First day of a new year

New Year, New Life.
It's funny how people make a resolution which usually entails a major life change. Most resolutions do not stick. The funny thing is that we think that because it is a new year that now is the time we can change. Honestly though YOU are the one who has to make the change. The new year is not a magic fairy that grants the wishes that you so sincerily agree to commit to.
Of course, being the hipocrit that I am, this is the first year that I have decided to make a one. I am not sure whether it will stick or not, but I actually started two months ago.
I do like the fact that a new year is a fresh start. 2008 is gone, done, out, history.. and so forth and so on. I remember when I thought the world was going to end in May of 2000. I am pretty sure someone told me that Nostradamus predicted that. So I kept thinking, man I want to live past that. I won't even be out of high school yet in 2000. Well as we all know, that thankfully did not happen. So high school ended, then college came and went, and here is another year of adulthood.
I was terrified of 'growing up.' I kept thinking that I would not be allowed to have fun or do anything. Well, turns out it is not that bad.
I wanted to write today just because it is the New Year and maybe I will blog regularly. I know that my life is really not that exciting to the on looker, not that anyone besides one person reads this, but I love it. I have a full life. It is not boring to me. There is alot that I do and people that I meet that I can not bring into the internet world. But they are my gift, my experience and reward for doing things and showing up where I say that I should be.
I remember thinking that the best life I could lead would be to have people around me constantly and to be praised by them for having a unique quality or talent. When I was younger I thought that success was measured by the amount of things and people you had.
Today it is exaclty the opposite. I spend a lot of time alone and I am grateful for that. I do not need a constant flow of people telling me that I am special, because I can tell myself. But most importantly I know that it is not about what I do for me in this world. It is what I can do for others, how I can become useful to the world. It's kindof ironic that I always thought i wanted to be in the spotlight and constantly surrounded, yet I have social anxiety.
I remember spending hours as a kid in front of the mirror practicing acting. I would make myself cry, and then laugh, be excited, and then scared. Yet when I had the oppurtunity to do it in front of people I froze. I continued to force myself to audition for things, not really ever getting cast. But I knew from the goosebumps I got when around the theatre or music, that this is what I should be doing.
This fear followed me into college, until I was asked to be in a fellow student's play. I aggreed because I thought, now is the time. And I was so scared. The theatre only fit 30 to 40 people in folding chairs and I still managed to well, 'freak out' a bit.
I was constantly around people in my social life and thought that I had a solid 20 close freinds.
One person came to see that show, it was up for 3 nights.
I in no way want this to be a flashback to repressed memories, but it is good to remember.
Today, although I know I do have a numerous amount of solid freinds, it isn't about how many people will show up. It is about what I am doing to make sure that I keep showing up.
I was running one day, probably about 5 months ago, it was warm. And I kept thinking, just keep going, just keep going so when someone asks how far you ran you can say __ (>insert # there). And then it hit me, well I am pretty sure it was God who hit me with it. This quote came in my mind:

"Life is about what you do, not what you say you do"

I have this tendency to talk a lot about myself. And when I am in the middle of doing something sometimes the selfishness kicks in and I begin to think, "so and so will be so happy/proud to hear that I am or did do this" Why am I so concerned to tell people about the things that I do?
I am constantly seeking their approval or praise or something. It is kind of like I feel dirty for writing this out. And I did feel really bad when I first realized this is what was going on, but it's OK today.
I do talk about somethings I do, because I love to do them. And I do catch myself saying "Oh I ran this far or did this much of this" but the fact is, I notice it now.
It is like doing something nice for a stranger, you don't have to tell the world you did something nice. The important thing is you did it, not that you talked about it.
So anyway I guess what I am getting it is this, do what makes YOU happy and if you help someone along the way that is even better. For me what makes me happy is being useful. Whether I can sit and listen to a friend talk or open a door for someone, I feel good.
This actually may not make sense, but up in my head it sort of does.
OK maybe I can wrap it back around. If you make a resolution to change something in your life, do it. You go ahead and do it for yourself, because you want to do it. Try not to keep what others will think about it or about you doing it, in the back of your mind. You should be your own motivation. Talking about doing it repeatedly is seeking the motivation to continue on, but by just doing it and seeking nothing, you will be rewarded in another way. I am also working on just doing, but hey I am a work in process. Happy New Year's, now go do it up!