A new beginning. Everyday you have another chance to start over. A lot of people may not believe this but it is true. You can chose to react differently and change in situations. I always thought that in order to have a new beginning I would have to have serious changes materialistically and/or geographically. I found that this is not true. Over the past month I have been able to re prioritize my life and it has been amazing. I have taken some altruistic movements, more so than the usual, and it has made all of the difference. There are people who will argue about people helping others do it for selfish reasons, I won't argue. For me it is true. I have to help people, so that I can not think about myself for a minute. I spend the majority of my time thinking about myself, unless I make it a point to put myself in places and make myself available to others. I wanted to write on this, because I did make a slight geographical change but noticed that my rewards have started already. It did not have to do with where I am geographically, it had to do with where I am physically and mentally.
I read a book that talked about altruism and the fact that it is based solely on the selfish attempting to validate themselves. I do have to disagree on this point. I have to help others in order to stay well. I do it for myself, but also because others have done it for me.
There are a lot of people who have a case of the 'if onlys' for example, "if only I had the job I wanted" "If only he/she liked me" "If only I lived in that town" The fact is that nothing material can make you better. You have to search outside of the physical and inside of yourself.
I used to think, "if Only I got out of this town, away from all of the people holding me back." And then I did, but the fact was I brought me. The sole person holding myself back from any success was the one I couldn't shake. I was convinced that the geographical situation, living with my parents with all these rules they made up just to make my life miserable, was why I was not happy. I was not Happy. ME, it had to do with me.
I went and made a bunch of friends who would validate me and say the things I wanted them to say, but at the end of the day, I would still lay my head down and hear me. Me saying that I was not good enough, smart enough, tough enough, Me telling me that"If only I had____(fill in the blank with anything), I could finally be happy."
I do not have the "If only's" today, because someone helped me to realize that I had to change. I had to change to be able to accept myself no matter the circumstances. Today I know that nothing in this world can be given or taken away from me that will make me accept who I am without having to thoroughly look. Life is good but not because I was given wonderful material success, but because I have friends and people who care about me. I try to live the best way I can each day. I have been lucky enough to recieve some physical and materialistic rewards, but it only happened after I stopped expecting. WHen you give with no expectation, that is when you recieve beautiful rewards.
Life is good today.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Sunday, January 4, 2009
"Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option"
~ Author unknown
It seems as though tonight may be another night where my sleep is thrown off. I am not jittery tonight or filled with excitement, but I feel as though I needed to get some thoughts and feelings out. The quote above I found, because it seems as though others have so well expressed the way I feel. I like to search quotes for uplifting advice and motivation, today I found a little wisdom as well.
I am a very passionate person. I am learning this as I grow older. The things I sincerely care about in life take priority above all else, sometimes even my life and needs. Today I made a choice after talking with a few close friends, that I have to stand up for myself and take a step back. Although I absolutely love something, it takes a lot of my time and energy. Yet I have remained an option to them. I continued to excuse past situations but I have had enough and therefore have made the decision to stop. Stop trying to be passionate about what I love, when they do not feel the same.
I do not want to make a dramatic exit, but selfishly I do want them to experiencing what it will be like without me. My mentor has reminded me that I have to stick with putting my foot down, if I chose to put it down this time. So I have a draft saved in my email and want to make sure that I am absolutely ready to do it. Unfortunately there are a few people that will be effected by the situation who I do not wish to harm or stop seeing, but for me, I have to.
When you find the right person or situation it will be clear on both ends. This quote and my current situation, make it obvious that it is not meant to be. There is something and someone out there who will make me the priority if they are mine.
I know that I will have to shift around things, now that I will have a vacancy. But I have already been getting more involved with a few other areas of my life this week. I know that this is God's Will and that there is something better waiting for me.
I am not going to sit here and wonder what it is or when it will happen. All that I know right now is that I am hurt. It is hard to know that nothing you do or say can change the situation or feelings of another. So I am taking the hurt and learning that I do not wish to have any further in the future, which is why I need to open my options.
Life is about testing the waters, so why would you stay in the the pool that's been peed in?
It doesn't clear on it's own.
~ Author unknown
It seems as though tonight may be another night where my sleep is thrown off. I am not jittery tonight or filled with excitement, but I feel as though I needed to get some thoughts and feelings out. The quote above I found, because it seems as though others have so well expressed the way I feel. I like to search quotes for uplifting advice and motivation, today I found a little wisdom as well.
I am a very passionate person. I am learning this as I grow older. The things I sincerely care about in life take priority above all else, sometimes even my life and needs. Today I made a choice after talking with a few close friends, that I have to stand up for myself and take a step back. Although I absolutely love something, it takes a lot of my time and energy. Yet I have remained an option to them. I continued to excuse past situations but I have had enough and therefore have made the decision to stop. Stop trying to be passionate about what I love, when they do not feel the same.
I do not want to make a dramatic exit, but selfishly I do want them to experiencing what it will be like without me. My mentor has reminded me that I have to stick with putting my foot down, if I chose to put it down this time. So I have a draft saved in my email and want to make sure that I am absolutely ready to do it. Unfortunately there are a few people that will be effected by the situation who I do not wish to harm or stop seeing, but for me, I have to.
When you find the right person or situation it will be clear on both ends. This quote and my current situation, make it obvious that it is not meant to be. There is something and someone out there who will make me the priority if they are mine.
I know that I will have to shift around things, now that I will have a vacancy. But I have already been getting more involved with a few other areas of my life this week. I know that this is God's Will and that there is something better waiting for me.
I am not going to sit here and wonder what it is or when it will happen. All that I know right now is that I am hurt. It is hard to know that nothing you do or say can change the situation or feelings of another. So I am taking the hurt and learning that I do not wish to have any further in the future, which is why I need to open my options.
Life is about testing the waters, so why would you stay in the the pool that's been peed in?
It doesn't clear on it's own.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
First day of a new year
New Year, New Life.
It's funny how people make a resolution which usually entails a major life change. Most resolutions do not stick. The funny thing is that we think that because it is a new year that now is the time we can change. Honestly though YOU are the one who has to make the change. The new year is not a magic fairy that grants the wishes that you so sincerily agree to commit to.
Of course, being the hipocrit that I am, this is the first year that I have decided to make a one. I am not sure whether it will stick or not, but I actually started two months ago.
I do like the fact that a new year is a fresh start. 2008 is gone, done, out, history.. and so forth and so on. I remember when I thought the world was going to end in May of 2000. I am pretty sure someone told me that Nostradamus predicted that. So I kept thinking, man I want to live past that. I won't even be out of high school yet in 2000. Well as we all know, that thankfully did not happen. So high school ended, then college came and went, and here is another year of adulthood.
I was terrified of 'growing up.' I kept thinking that I would not be allowed to have fun or do anything. Well, turns out it is not that bad.
I wanted to write today just because it is the New Year and maybe I will blog regularly. I know that my life is really not that exciting to the on looker, not that anyone besides one person reads this, but I love it. I have a full life. It is not boring to me. There is alot that I do and people that I meet that I can not bring into the internet world. But they are my gift, my experience and reward for doing things and showing up where I say that I should be.
I remember thinking that the best life I could lead would be to have people around me constantly and to be praised by them for having a unique quality or talent. When I was younger I thought that success was measured by the amount of things and people you had.
Today it is exaclty the opposite. I spend a lot of time alone and I am grateful for that. I do not need a constant flow of people telling me that I am special, because I can tell myself. But most importantly I know that it is not about what I do for me in this world. It is what I can do for others, how I can become useful to the world. It's kindof ironic that I always thought i wanted to be in the spotlight and constantly surrounded, yet I have social anxiety.
I remember spending hours as a kid in front of the mirror practicing acting. I would make myself cry, and then laugh, be excited, and then scared. Yet when I had the oppurtunity to do it in front of people I froze. I continued to force myself to audition for things, not really ever getting cast. But I knew from the goosebumps I got when around the theatre or music, that this is what I should be doing.
This fear followed me into college, until I was asked to be in a fellow student's play. I aggreed because I thought, now is the time. And I was so scared. The theatre only fit 30 to 40 people in folding chairs and I still managed to well, 'freak out' a bit.
I was constantly around people in my social life and thought that I had a solid 20 close freinds.
One person came to see that show, it was up for 3 nights.
I in no way want this to be a flashback to repressed memories, but it is good to remember.
Today, although I know I do have a numerous amount of solid freinds, it isn't about how many people will show up. It is about what I am doing to make sure that I keep showing up.
I was running one day, probably about 5 months ago, it was warm. And I kept thinking, just keep going, just keep going so when someone asks how far you ran you can say __ (>insert # there). And then it hit me, well I am pretty sure it was God who hit me with it. This quote came in my mind:
"Life is about what you do, not what you say you do"
I have this tendency to talk a lot about myself. And when I am in the middle of doing something sometimes the selfishness kicks in and I begin to think, "so and so will be so happy/proud to hear that I am or did do this" Why am I so concerned to tell people about the things that I do?
I am constantly seeking their approval or praise or something. It is kind of like I feel dirty for writing this out. And I did feel really bad when I first realized this is what was going on, but it's OK today.
I do talk about somethings I do, because I love to do them. And I do catch myself saying "Oh I ran this far or did this much of this" but the fact is, I notice it now.
It is like doing something nice for a stranger, you don't have to tell the world you did something nice. The important thing is you did it, not that you talked about it.
So anyway I guess what I am getting it is this, do what makes YOU happy and if you help someone along the way that is even better. For me what makes me happy is being useful. Whether I can sit and listen to a friend talk or open a door for someone, I feel good.
This actually may not make sense, but up in my head it sort of does.
OK maybe I can wrap it back around. If you make a resolution to change something in your life, do it. You go ahead and do it for yourself, because you want to do it. Try not to keep what others will think about it or about you doing it, in the back of your mind. You should be your own motivation. Talking about doing it repeatedly is seeking the motivation to continue on, but by just doing it and seeking nothing, you will be rewarded in another way. I am also working on just doing, but hey I am a work in process. Happy New Year's, now go do it up!
It's funny how people make a resolution which usually entails a major life change. Most resolutions do not stick. The funny thing is that we think that because it is a new year that now is the time we can change. Honestly though YOU are the one who has to make the change. The new year is not a magic fairy that grants the wishes that you so sincerily agree to commit to.
Of course, being the hipocrit that I am, this is the first year that I have decided to make a one. I am not sure whether it will stick or not, but I actually started two months ago.
I do like the fact that a new year is a fresh start. 2008 is gone, done, out, history.. and so forth and so on. I remember when I thought the world was going to end in May of 2000. I am pretty sure someone told me that Nostradamus predicted that. So I kept thinking, man I want to live past that. I won't even be out of high school yet in 2000. Well as we all know, that thankfully did not happen. So high school ended, then college came and went, and here is another year of adulthood.
I was terrified of 'growing up.' I kept thinking that I would not be allowed to have fun or do anything. Well, turns out it is not that bad.
I wanted to write today just because it is the New Year and maybe I will blog regularly. I know that my life is really not that exciting to the on looker, not that anyone besides one person reads this, but I love it. I have a full life. It is not boring to me. There is alot that I do and people that I meet that I can not bring into the internet world. But they are my gift, my experience and reward for doing things and showing up where I say that I should be.
I remember thinking that the best life I could lead would be to have people around me constantly and to be praised by them for having a unique quality or talent. When I was younger I thought that success was measured by the amount of things and people you had.
Today it is exaclty the opposite. I spend a lot of time alone and I am grateful for that. I do not need a constant flow of people telling me that I am special, because I can tell myself. But most importantly I know that it is not about what I do for me in this world. It is what I can do for others, how I can become useful to the world. It's kindof ironic that I always thought i wanted to be in the spotlight and constantly surrounded, yet I have social anxiety.
I remember spending hours as a kid in front of the mirror practicing acting. I would make myself cry, and then laugh, be excited, and then scared. Yet when I had the oppurtunity to do it in front of people I froze. I continued to force myself to audition for things, not really ever getting cast. But I knew from the goosebumps I got when around the theatre or music, that this is what I should be doing.
This fear followed me into college, until I was asked to be in a fellow student's play. I aggreed because I thought, now is the time. And I was so scared. The theatre only fit 30 to 40 people in folding chairs and I still managed to well, 'freak out' a bit.
I was constantly around people in my social life and thought that I had a solid 20 close freinds.
One person came to see that show, it was up for 3 nights.
I in no way want this to be a flashback to repressed memories, but it is good to remember.
Today, although I know I do have a numerous amount of solid freinds, it isn't about how many people will show up. It is about what I am doing to make sure that I keep showing up.
I was running one day, probably about 5 months ago, it was warm. And I kept thinking, just keep going, just keep going so when someone asks how far you ran you can say __ (>insert # there). And then it hit me, well I am pretty sure it was God who hit me with it. This quote came in my mind:
"Life is about what you do, not what you say you do"
I have this tendency to talk a lot about myself. And when I am in the middle of doing something sometimes the selfishness kicks in and I begin to think, "so and so will be so happy/proud to hear that I am or did do this" Why am I so concerned to tell people about the things that I do?
I am constantly seeking their approval or praise or something. It is kind of like I feel dirty for writing this out. And I did feel really bad when I first realized this is what was going on, but it's OK today.
I do talk about somethings I do, because I love to do them. And I do catch myself saying "Oh I ran this far or did this much of this" but the fact is, I notice it now.
It is like doing something nice for a stranger, you don't have to tell the world you did something nice. The important thing is you did it, not that you talked about it.
So anyway I guess what I am getting it is this, do what makes YOU happy and if you help someone along the way that is even better. For me what makes me happy is being useful. Whether I can sit and listen to a friend talk or open a door for someone, I feel good.
This actually may not make sense, but up in my head it sort of does.
OK maybe I can wrap it back around. If you make a resolution to change something in your life, do it. You go ahead and do it for yourself, because you want to do it. Try not to keep what others will think about it or about you doing it, in the back of your mind. You should be your own motivation. Talking about doing it repeatedly is seeking the motivation to continue on, but by just doing it and seeking nothing, you will be rewarded in another way. I am also working on just doing, but hey I am a work in process. Happy New Year's, now go do it up!
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