I know that last night's blog I already made a reference to Sex and the City but I can't help but bring it up again. How is it that the writer's of that show never hesitated to talk about the things that they did? I mean I am sure that several situations too close to home never made it past the editor's floor, but they did talk about a lot. I was reading a book and it said that a lot, if not all, of the scenarios were written in relevance to some other woman's life and relationship. I know that I am self centered and even though there will be no name dropping I was even hesitant to write on here about some issues.
But the fact of the matter is no one reads this anyway so it is a good way to get out somethings and realize just how ridiculous I can be.
I have been in the 'dating world' for about 4 years now. I use quotations because I still have no idea what I am doing. I technically did not start dating (well let's say I had never manage to get a second date) until a little over a year ago. When I was in high school I managed to get two guys to ask me out and I went on two first dates, that was that. I was so wrapped up in my own head during the dates that I was of no good company. I spent the first hour deciding whether I could ever kiss this guy and I spent the last hour freaking out at the possibility that he may want to kiss me. So I spazzed and I thought 'If this is what dating is, there is no hope for me, this is torture.'
I did see my fair share of guys in college (basically 3 guys I kissed even without having to be drunk) but I do not classify it as dating because we did not date. There were dorm rooms and apartments and movies and cuddling. I did somehow have a relationship, which was good for awhile, but again I gained zero knowledge on how to date.
So when college came to a close and I was single yet again, I panicked. What now? Well I went on another two first dates with two guys that I was completely honest with from the start. One did not ask me out again and the other date was the worst experience I have ever had, yet he asked me out..continuously. I am til this day still not sure whether him and I were on the same date that night.
So fast forward about a year from the second first date. I have a PT job and I met a guy I was attracted to. He was younger than me, only a year, but younger was a first for me (not counting some of the college indiscretions). I thought this would be the perfect chance for me to try again. I wouldn't let the flood gates down but I wouldn't pretend to act the way I thought you were supposed to act. I was just myself, for the first time, ever. I got a second date, and a third.
This guy was nice, he liked the movies, although he didn't follow too much of the plot. He seemed to have one thing on his mind, my thigh. We were watching a devastating flick and right when the climax of who murdered the girl was about to be revealed he wanted to make out. I must be pretty good looking to have him not even be able to focus on the movie.
Turns out he was still hung up on his Ex and I think he was just trying to find a rebound girl. I should have guessed it when the second time I was at his house, he asked me to spend the night.
Eventually the calls stopped and apparently his guilt caught up to him. He told me about a month or two after we stopped dating, what his situation was. This would not be the last of guy1.
He would end up emailing me 3 months later asking to get together. We did and it was awkward, it turned out that it was only physical attraction, nothing more. I am still friends with him today and I hear he is dating an older woman, he seems happy.
Guy 2 came about two weeks after the last encounter with guy 1. This romance would be that of a fairy tale. Because none if it would be real, well at least nothing I have ever heard of. I was about to embark on a relationship with the man who will not commit to anything on the chance that he may miss out. AKA I will date you but when something better comes along I'm going to do her, but I will probably be back. He will use words like 'I could see us going through life together' after saying 'all we have is this moment, there is no guarantee on anything' I would be caught up in 2 to 3 months of questioning all of my previous beliefs to a happy relationship. Guy 2 pursued me, he showed up where he knew that I would be and we shared a lot of mutual friends. He asked me up to his room the first night I drove him home. Yet I was not as quick to see how he only wanted one thing. I was blinded by the concept that he was so intrigued with me. We had very much of a novel romance. He would look at me as if I was the only woman in the room (or subway station) and I ran with that to believe that he had fallen. In nearly one week he had fallen so much in love with me that he could not be a part from me. I could not have been more wrong. I would go days and even a week without hearing from him. I would text or call and there would be no response for days! With no explanation! When I finally had the nerve to ask him why, he said 'I saw you were calling, but I was eating and didn't want to answer' Oh well if you were eating! Sheesh. Well I dated him for two months and I wish that I could say I didn't fall for the BS but I did. I let down the wall to my feelings just enough to get a brush of disappointment when I had to end our little fling. After we stopped seeing each other he went away and slept with a girl he met. He was there for a week. He had a few past romances one in Paris, Love he called it. I have since learned that he has never allowed himself to love a woman, in fear that he will miss out on every other woman. He is completely head over heels in love, with himself, from head to toe. I still see Guy 2 from time to time and he swears it is not over. I tell him different though.
Which brings me to the point of my blog. Guy 3. The guy I actually have feelings for and it is scaring the poop out of me. I have become the girl that stares at my phone waiting for a text. I have been friends with guy 3 for a little bit now. I still remember when I first met him. I was attracted right off the bat. Anyway, I sort of initiated the idea that we hang out. We had gone to a mutual friends party a few months ago. There were a few guys there, all seemed to be looking to find a nice girl for the evening. These two guys, drunk and drunker seemed to grow a liking to me. It was entertaining for a bit but every time I saw Guy 3 I made a point to include him in the repetitive conversation that was happening in this three ring circus. He stayed near me for the remainder of the evening, I felt as though we exchanged a few sideways glances, but I knew that he had been into someone else there. Later that evening he asked me for advice on his current situation. I gave him the best advice I could have ( I swear I was not just being selfish, the best decision was for him to not get involved with Girl A). After that I shut down the possibility of him ever liking me more than a friend. I mean who asks for girl advice from a girl you are into?
A few weeks pass and we meet up at a happy hour. I ask him to walk me to the train and also muster up the courage to ask him for coffee so that I can do the asking of advice now. A situation had arose at that happy hour and I needed a guys opinion. Of course I could have asked any one of my guy friends, but I just wanted an excuse to talk to him.
He gave me the opposite advice and told me that I should go for the guy in question. Now I knew he would never think of me that way. We had a good time just talking and I did my best to hint that I enjoyed his company and would like it to happen more often. OK fast forward, we hung out a few more times in mixed company and then agreed to watch a movie alone.
This is hanging out, not a date. When I see Guy 3, I am completely myself. He knows some of the deal with me and so I do not have to track the little fibs. After we hang out a few times alone I begin to think about kissing him, and whether it will ever happen. Old me starts to emerge the last 15 minutes of our 'hangouts' and I begin to get nauseous at the thought of kissing him. Like in South Park, I get so nervous that I want to vomit. Thankfully I do not get sick. So after a few klutz filled encounters, we actually kiss. And it is really great.
We text daily and then he went 3 days with nothing. That is when my mind went bizerk. To the point that I just bought "he's just not that into you" And I read more than half since last night. I have been able to preserve, somewhat, my feelings in the past. I have this thing when I sense rejection coming I duck out first so that I do not have to feel it. Even though it is not my choice I still feel as though I had some say in the matter. So I spent the past day and a half convincing myself that I have just read way too much into this. He doesn't like me that way and I need to just deal and move on. Then he text me this morning and I got weird. I told him that I liked him and I wasn't sure that he liked me back, and it is OK if he doesn't but I don't want it to be weird. He wrote back and had no idea it was weird and said he just wants to take things slow.
Now I feel like a jerk. So I call my 'mentor' so to speak. And she tells me to just call him and let him know that you were just a little worried that you hadn't heard from him. But that actually talking on the phone instead of texting would be the better thing in this situation. So I call, and no answer.
God, I wish that I did not spend all day yesterday inside of my own head. I also wish that I did not read so much of the guy bashing book. I feel like one of the women who write a letter making excuses for the guy. So now I am pretty sure he is scared that I am attempting to corner into something he is not sure he is ready to get into. And me? I am trying to will my feelings into only liking him enough. I hate the fact that I might indeed like him more than he likes me. I know I can not control this, but I can attempt to.
So here is a glimpse at the nonsense that occurs within my ears. Sheesh. I used to thrive, in college, on the fact that I was just one of the guys. I was never the headcase girl. If I felt rejected by a guy I dropped it (And by drop it I mean I flirted with another guy in their presence attempting to rise jealousy from them) You see I had only thought I was this hard girl that had omitted all of her feelings that made her female pertaining to relationships. But everyone else had eyes and was able to see the truth. You know this blog thing really does make you feel better. I am sure that I will have some sort of love or lack there of update in the near future, we shall see.
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