Sunday, December 28, 2008
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Oppurtunity or Difficulty?
“A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.”
Winston Churchill
I am not going to follow up on this quote and pretend that I am always one or the other. I wish that I could always see the opportunity and not the difficulty, but I suppose that if that were the case I would never be grateful for the opportunities, considering I'd never see the difficulties.
A few weird things happened last night that brought up some feelings and memories of the past.
In the past 3 yrs I've learned quite a bit about life. One of the most important things being that I can not change what others do or think. As much as I would like to believe that my words and actions greatly effect those around me, I have to wake up. It has been three years to the day that I found out a friend of mine took his own life. I had never had to deal with something like that before then and I did not deal with it for 5 months after it happened. I chose to numb myself instead. I guess I chose the quote above, because there are a lot of things that happen in our lives that we certainly do not plan on. I am not trying to say that there is opportunity within tragedies, but I do know that lessons are learned. After being angry at everything, and that took a long time, I was able to talk HONESTLY about certain things I thought I would never say aloud to anyone Ever.
I began to write a lot about these feelings I was having and how in the past I did certain things. I know this is vague and probably kind of hard to follow, but it is not necessary to get into details.
Little did I know that there would be women who would talk to me about the exact things I was too terrified to discuss aloud. And then eventually I would be the one to break the ice with others as to the thoughts I was justifying in my mind. What I am trying to get at, is although horrible things happen in life, we can get through it with the help of others. And when we do, we can help others who will experience the same pain and loss that we have in the future. I used to be so ashamed at the fact that I was so self centered when it came to death.
It was as though I would think that whatever loss it was, was only happening to me. But then when you take a minute and realize that someone just loss their son/daughter or mom/dad it brings it back to reality. This particular loss from three yrs ago was one of the worst. It had a lot to do with my lifestyle then too, but I felt as though I did not deserve to be happy.
Anytime that I felt the need to laugh I would suppress it. I felt that I could never be happy again. And when I saw others, it pissed me off that they were not constantly depressed like me. Although the select few I stayed near were, that is why I gravitated to them. We had that in common, our 'sorrow.' As time passed I saw that people were allowing the sorrow to go, they were becoming happy or at least normal again, I refused.
I believe now that I had to put myself through that to get where I am today. Not to say that death will not effect me, but now I firmly believe that our loved ones would never wish sorrow on us. They would want us to enjoy our lives, if not for ourselves, then for them. Life has so many opportunities and challenges, but the fact is we are alive today to partake in them. Why walk around this earth dead?
This way of viewing grief took awhile, but thankfully it got to me. So 3 yrs later, I stop to remember, but am thankful that today I can smile. Smile at the fact that I am alive and I have a chance to enjoy the world. But I am optimistic because I know that this life is only a little notch compared to our eternity. When we are out of this world looking back to our earthly lives we will think, it was so quick. We have alllll of eternity to be with All of those we love and of course to help those who out last us here, to make sure they make it to us. It is a circle of the spirit. So the opportunity in the difficulty of death is the fact that we now have one more person rooting for us on the other side. They are going to make sure that we don't mess up too bad what we are supposed to do here in this life. And all of our reward will be eternity with each other.
There is a sign that I saw about 2 yrs ago at a place I go to often. It read:
"Please Lord, teach us to laugh again,
but God don't ever let us forget that we cried"
When I saw this the first time, I cried. I cried because I knew what it was to not laugh. The pain that happens within your soul. And when I was able to laugh again, it was as if I felt human once more. My loss of emotions, or control over them, was not just due to grief. There was some other things that I was experiencing. And at the time I used to wonder, why, why me? Today I know that had it not happened, I would not be who I am today.
I would never wish upon my worst enemy, my experience. But I can say that I completely appreciate every human emotion today, because they were lost for awhile. While writing this blog, I just found a few more things to add to my gratitude list. So I want to thank the blog world for giving me a place to open up, I learned a little more about me just now.
Today's lesson is that we have opportunities because we are alive today. Should we chose to make them difficult, we can, but it's just easier not to. As so many have said before me 'pain is the touch stone to spiritual growth, but suffering is optional' well said, my friend, well said.
Friday, December 26, 2008
A Gentle Answer
I have been getting my Daily Romantic Horoscope for probably 3 or 4 yrs in my email everyday. I stopped reading them about 2 yrs ago, but for some reason I read today's:
"Finding a balance between your responsibilities and your leisure activities can sometimes seem like an impossible task. The easiest way to even the scales is to keep your commitments low. Don't take on too many projects that don't further your goals towards love and success."
This is what most of my friends and family have been subtly telling me for the past year or two. I have always kept multiple commitments, because I have some stuff inside me that makes me need to. I feel awkward if I am in a setting where I could be helping. If I am at a fundraiser or a convention I need to have a responsibility. And usually if it is a big event I am on the committee to plan it, so that I have an idea of what will happen. This does not sound like a bad quality, but sometimes, I might do it for the wrong reasons.
Please believe me when I say that my heart is in the right place, but a lot of the time I over commit, so that I do not fall away. I am the type of person that will fall into isolation in my apartment if I do not commit to someone that I will be somewhere.
There is nothing wrong with this, but when you commit yourself to at least one thing everyday it can get overwhelming. The last line of the horoscope 'Don't take too many projects that don't further your goals towards love and success' I always feel a sense of love when I am helping others, but it is not in pursuit of the 'romantic love' that this horoscope is insistent that I will find.
Today I feel I will blog more than once, but when I saw that I knew I had to.
Yesterday was Jesus' birthday and an eventful one at that. But I will chose not to disclose too many details, for the fact that I can not change it.
I wish that I could change situations or people but I can only change myself and the way that I react to situations. Sometimes I do not chose the best way to act, but that is why there is a thing called forgiveness. KLove's encouraging word was also emailed to me this morning. Again this is relative to yesterday and can be applied daily, at least in my life:
"A gentle answer deflects anger, but harsh words make tempers flare. "
~ Proverbs 15:1
I chose to take action instead of use words last night, which I am sure will come back to me. I knew that had I used words my anger and frustration would be the only thing that would come out. A lot of times I speak before thinking and I deal with the consequences immediately. I was able to not speak yesterday, but still did not act ideally. I will work on it, progress not perfection.
"Finding a balance between your responsibilities and your leisure activities can sometimes seem like an impossible task. The easiest way to even the scales is to keep your commitments low. Don't take on too many projects that don't further your goals towards love and success."
This is what most of my friends and family have been subtly telling me for the past year or two. I have always kept multiple commitments, because I have some stuff inside me that makes me need to. I feel awkward if I am in a setting where I could be helping. If I am at a fundraiser or a convention I need to have a responsibility. And usually if it is a big event I am on the committee to plan it, so that I have an idea of what will happen. This does not sound like a bad quality, but sometimes, I might do it for the wrong reasons.
Please believe me when I say that my heart is in the right place, but a lot of the time I over commit, so that I do not fall away. I am the type of person that will fall into isolation in my apartment if I do not commit to someone that I will be somewhere.
There is nothing wrong with this, but when you commit yourself to at least one thing everyday it can get overwhelming. The last line of the horoscope 'Don't take too many projects that don't further your goals towards love and success' I always feel a sense of love when I am helping others, but it is not in pursuit of the 'romantic love' that this horoscope is insistent that I will find.
Today I feel I will blog more than once, but when I saw that I knew I had to.
Yesterday was Jesus' birthday and an eventful one at that. But I will chose not to disclose too many details, for the fact that I can not change it.
I wish that I could change situations or people but I can only change myself and the way that I react to situations. Sometimes I do not chose the best way to act, but that is why there is a thing called forgiveness. KLove's encouraging word was also emailed to me this morning. Again this is relative to yesterday and can be applied daily, at least in my life:
"A gentle answer deflects anger, but harsh words make tempers flare. "
~ Proverbs 15:1
I chose to take action instead of use words last night, which I am sure will come back to me. I knew that had I used words my anger and frustration would be the only thing that would come out. A lot of times I speak before thinking and I deal with the consequences immediately. I was able to not speak yesterday, but still did not act ideally. I will work on it, progress not perfection.
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
The Joy is in the Journey
"...focus on the journey, not the destination. Joy is found not in finishing an activity but in doing it." ~ Greg Anderson
We can spend most of our lives talking about what we would like to do, or we can actually do it. A lot of people live in the fear of failure and so they never try. But in reality they are fearing success, because if you fail you will be right where you would if you had never tried at all. So we should try, do, succeed, continue. There are a lot of books and things (I am being vague, because I can not remember exactly where I have read it) But they talk about the mind and spirit being healthy and the way our thoughts and actions can cause the spirit and our health to be well or poor.
Hurry up and wait. That is the mentality that most Americans live on a daily basis. Hurry to work, hurry to bed, hurry and eat. When do you stop? Why are you hurrying? When will you enjoy life?
I chose this quote because I spent most of my late teens in the mind set of getting there. 'When I get there things will be different,' 'I can't wait until I get there' But where is there? And what if it isn't that great?
I was missing everything along the way. Like the fact that I joined so many clubs in high school so that I could get into college. While I was in these organizations do you think that I stopped to actually enjoy what I was doing? I mean I don't necessarily have to physically stop, but mentally just take a breather to appreciate what I am doing.
Right now, fast forward, some odd yrs. I have been talking about what I want to do for over a year and have yet to take any steps in that direction. Here this quote applies, because you must first have a destination, short or long term in order to have a journey. My destination in life is to serve God, to be able to help and live in his Will. Although it is a full time job, it is not the money kind. I will get paid in other ways later, but the point is that for now, while I am serving I need to look at the journey as a once in a lifetime opportunity. So God has given us free will and also a way to chose our own career path. I am going to talk to an Advisor next month about going back to school.
With in Meditation it says to ask God specifically what it is you should be doing/learning in whatever the situation. I tend to just leave it wide open and not listen long enough to get a direct answer, hence seeking the destination but not wiling to take the journey. I would like to go back to school to learn but if I could I would fast forward to me just knowing all that I need to. Right to the destination.
But in real life, we must take the courses and learn for ourselves, the journey. The wonderful thing about our journey is that it can be completely different everyday. It can actually be completely different with in the same 24 hours, depending on the situation and mood of those on the daily trip with you.
I think that doing the activity truly is the good part. One day when I was running I had the thought that came : "You are what you do, not what you say you do" You see this came about right when I was thinking of the other runners out there and my friends. I was thinking about who I can tell that I ran that day and who would react with an "oh wow." Because I want that reaction, for people to be surprised or feel respect for a destination I had reached.
But I should be looking at the actual run. The problem is while I was running I was thinking about being done, and who I could talk to about it. Not about running. I do sometimes get caught in that thought process, but because I am a little more aware of the thoughts, they happen less. I would like to write more, but I am dossing off.
Today the lesson is in the beginning quote. Enjoy the Journey. The destination may not be certain and it may not be wonderful, but you can make your day joyous and productive. Happy Holidays :)
We can spend most of our lives talking about what we would like to do, or we can actually do it. A lot of people live in the fear of failure and so they never try. But in reality they are fearing success, because if you fail you will be right where you would if you had never tried at all. So we should try, do, succeed, continue. There are a lot of books and things (I am being vague, because I can not remember exactly where I have read it) But they talk about the mind and spirit being healthy and the way our thoughts and actions can cause the spirit and our health to be well or poor.
Hurry up and wait. That is the mentality that most Americans live on a daily basis. Hurry to work, hurry to bed, hurry and eat. When do you stop? Why are you hurrying? When will you enjoy life?
I chose this quote because I spent most of my late teens in the mind set of getting there. 'When I get there things will be different,' 'I can't wait until I get there' But where is there? And what if it isn't that great?
I was missing everything along the way. Like the fact that I joined so many clubs in high school so that I could get into college. While I was in these organizations do you think that I stopped to actually enjoy what I was doing? I mean I don't necessarily have to physically stop, but mentally just take a breather to appreciate what I am doing.
Right now, fast forward, some odd yrs. I have been talking about what I want to do for over a year and have yet to take any steps in that direction. Here this quote applies, because you must first have a destination, short or long term in order to have a journey. My destination in life is to serve God, to be able to help and live in his Will. Although it is a full time job, it is not the money kind. I will get paid in other ways later, but the point is that for now, while I am serving I need to look at the journey as a once in a lifetime opportunity. So God has given us free will and also a way to chose our own career path. I am going to talk to an Advisor next month about going back to school.
With in Meditation it says to ask God specifically what it is you should be doing/learning in whatever the situation. I tend to just leave it wide open and not listen long enough to get a direct answer, hence seeking the destination but not wiling to take the journey. I would like to go back to school to learn but if I could I would fast forward to me just knowing all that I need to. Right to the destination.
But in real life, we must take the courses and learn for ourselves, the journey. The wonderful thing about our journey is that it can be completely different everyday. It can actually be completely different with in the same 24 hours, depending on the situation and mood of those on the daily trip with you.
I think that doing the activity truly is the good part. One day when I was running I had the thought that came : "You are what you do, not what you say you do" You see this came about right when I was thinking of the other runners out there and my friends. I was thinking about who I can tell that I ran that day and who would react with an "oh wow." Because I want that reaction, for people to be surprised or feel respect for a destination I had reached.
But I should be looking at the actual run. The problem is while I was running I was thinking about being done, and who I could talk to about it. Not about running. I do sometimes get caught in that thought process, but because I am a little more aware of the thoughts, they happen less. I would like to write more, but I am dossing off.
Today the lesson is in the beginning quote. Enjoy the Journey. The destination may not be certain and it may not be wonderful, but you can make your day joyous and productive. Happy Holidays :)
Friday, December 19, 2008
I began to write yesterday and never finished. I saved as a draft, but because I am blogspot illiterate, I am not too sure where that draft went. So I do not want this to turn into a play by play on my personal life, but I am happy to report that it turns out I am crazy. I think too much, which is blatantly obvious to anyone or anything that has ever had the pleasure of my company :) Except the part of my brain that continues to believe that if I think, think, think, about something I might in fact be able to change the situation. Well, it is not true, and I know this.
I do not think that I have yet to completely sabotage the possibility of Guy 3, but I will get back to you when that happens. I recently went to a family function and was socializing with the cousins and such. In the last year or possibly two it seems as though some cousins always want to talk to my dad about me or my siblings having kids. I guess because I am the youngest and in my mid 20s and none of us are even close, these Irish Catholics find it crazy. I understand that our heritage entails reproducing like rabbits, but I am just not ready. Obviously you need the whole guy thing to be happening, but a part from that I am not ready. My dad looked at me and started telling me that my one cousin was in college for like 10 yrs or something and it wasn't until the last year that he met someone. Who is now his wife and they have since had three kids. Then he continued to say "So you see, it can happen" I responded with " I haven't given up hope" I guess some people around me are starting to. Either wondering if I will ever marry or if in fact I am not attracted to the male species at all. Sometimes I wonder, and I kind of toy with the idea of bringing a female friend next time, just to mess with everyone. No I am just kidding, with my luck they will be elbowing each other like 'see I told you.' And I do not need that.
So enough of that nonsense, I would like to talk about this morning. I love the fact that a little slip on the subway steps brings and immediate, embarrassing smile to my face. Hey a smile is a smile and I was laughing the rest of the walk to work. I am glad that I did not completely eat it. That could have been painful and a wet mess. For some reason I love the rain. I think it came from the gratitude I earned four years ago when I had no choice but to remain in the rain. Today it's like I can walk in the rain probably 2 to 3 hours straight without a problem, but only because I know that I have a place to go to get dry.
It also goes hand and hand with my gratitude for running water and the fact that today I have 24hr access to my very own bathroom and shower. These things may seem simple and pointless to the 'regular' person, but we really should not take such things for granted. I am going to have a flashback moment right now so bare with me..
I was on a stretch of dirt road with nothing around, no trees to take cover, nothing. The rain was coming down so hard that it was bouncing off of the ground. I was with one other person as we trudged on our route for the day. We were both in full rain gear from head to toe, yet our insides still felt water logged. It was later than usual that the lunch van came to feed us. After we got our sandwiches the van continued on to feed the rest of the group. In a matter of seconds I was glancing down to see the white bread, soggy and disintegrating on my fingers. The rain was bouncing off of us, including this soggy mess of a meal. I was devastated, I had waited 6 hours for this meal and it was gone. I looked over at my friend and he was staring at his hands too. We just looked at each other, with the rain dripping down our faces and just laughed. I mean what else could we do? There was nothing for miles. We were just hoping that nature would let up for a minute so that I could feel my swishy, soaked, legs to make sure they were still there. The weight was at times unbearable but I kept on, because I had to. My eventual shelter would be a tent, but there would be no escape completely. Yet it is one of the most memorable days of my life.
So I guess that I do prefer the rain. I like to see it anger people. I know that it doesn't sound nice, but when someone gets a little splash and they freak out, or someone is only running from the department store to their car and they are cursing the world because of a little water it;s actually comedic to me. I know it isn't right, and perhaps it isn't that I 'like' to see it. But I do find it ridiculous how people believe that it is the end of the world, when they are only moments away from returning to their Escalades with the built in GPS and movie theatre. I guess that I am just trying to bring to light just how much us people of privilege do take for granted.
I may actually go for a stroll after work and embrace the weather.
One of my cousins recently went to California and I asked him how his trip was. He said that it was nice, but he doesn't think he could ever live there. Everyday is warm and sunny, he wouldn't be able to appreciate how beautiful it was if it was always nice. That makes a lot of sense and I think ties into why I like the rain. Because I know that when it is sunny and warm again I will be able to fully appreciate it. As if this could not get any longer, I just received my Encouraging Word of the day through my email and I would like to share a little on it:
"A peaceful heart leads to a healthy body; jealousy is like cancer in the bones."
~ Proverbs 14:30
I actually do not think that this needs explanation, other than a grateful amen to that. That Proverbs, he's so smart.
I do not think that I have yet to completely sabotage the possibility of Guy 3, but I will get back to you when that happens. I recently went to a family function and was socializing with the cousins and such. In the last year or possibly two it seems as though some cousins always want to talk to my dad about me or my siblings having kids. I guess because I am the youngest and in my mid 20s and none of us are even close, these Irish Catholics find it crazy. I understand that our heritage entails reproducing like rabbits, but I am just not ready. Obviously you need the whole guy thing to be happening, but a part from that I am not ready. My dad looked at me and started telling me that my one cousin was in college for like 10 yrs or something and it wasn't until the last year that he met someone. Who is now his wife and they have since had three kids. Then he continued to say "So you see, it can happen" I responded with " I haven't given up hope" I guess some people around me are starting to. Either wondering if I will ever marry or if in fact I am not attracted to the male species at all. Sometimes I wonder, and I kind of toy with the idea of bringing a female friend next time, just to mess with everyone. No I am just kidding, with my luck they will be elbowing each other like 'see I told you.' And I do not need that.
So enough of that nonsense, I would like to talk about this morning. I love the fact that a little slip on the subway steps brings and immediate, embarrassing smile to my face. Hey a smile is a smile and I was laughing the rest of the walk to work. I am glad that I did not completely eat it. That could have been painful and a wet mess. For some reason I love the rain. I think it came from the gratitude I earned four years ago when I had no choice but to remain in the rain. Today it's like I can walk in the rain probably 2 to 3 hours straight without a problem, but only because I know that I have a place to go to get dry.
It also goes hand and hand with my gratitude for running water and the fact that today I have 24hr access to my very own bathroom and shower. These things may seem simple and pointless to the 'regular' person, but we really should not take such things for granted. I am going to have a flashback moment right now so bare with me..
I was on a stretch of dirt road with nothing around, no trees to take cover, nothing. The rain was coming down so hard that it was bouncing off of the ground. I was with one other person as we trudged on our route for the day. We were both in full rain gear from head to toe, yet our insides still felt water logged. It was later than usual that the lunch van came to feed us. After we got our sandwiches the van continued on to feed the rest of the group. In a matter of seconds I was glancing down to see the white bread, soggy and disintegrating on my fingers. The rain was bouncing off of us, including this soggy mess of a meal. I was devastated, I had waited 6 hours for this meal and it was gone. I looked over at my friend and he was staring at his hands too. We just looked at each other, with the rain dripping down our faces and just laughed. I mean what else could we do? There was nothing for miles. We were just hoping that nature would let up for a minute so that I could feel my swishy, soaked, legs to make sure they were still there. The weight was at times unbearable but I kept on, because I had to. My eventual shelter would be a tent, but there would be no escape completely. Yet it is one of the most memorable days of my life.
So I guess that I do prefer the rain. I like to see it anger people. I know that it doesn't sound nice, but when someone gets a little splash and they freak out, or someone is only running from the department store to their car and they are cursing the world because of a little water it;s actually comedic to me. I know it isn't right, and perhaps it isn't that I 'like' to see it. But I do find it ridiculous how people believe that it is the end of the world, when they are only moments away from returning to their Escalades with the built in GPS and movie theatre. I guess that I am just trying to bring to light just how much us people of privilege do take for granted.
I may actually go for a stroll after work and embrace the weather.
One of my cousins recently went to California and I asked him how his trip was. He said that it was nice, but he doesn't think he could ever live there. Everyday is warm and sunny, he wouldn't be able to appreciate how beautiful it was if it was always nice. That makes a lot of sense and I think ties into why I like the rain. Because I know that when it is sunny and warm again I will be able to fully appreciate it. As if this could not get any longer, I just received my Encouraging Word of the day through my email and I would like to share a little on it:
"A peaceful heart leads to a healthy body; jealousy is like cancer in the bones."
~ Proverbs 14:30
I actually do not think that this needs explanation, other than a grateful amen to that. That Proverbs, he's so smart.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
I am not Esther
So I actually sent out this blog address to two friends today. One of them pointed out that if you add an 'ee' in the middle, it brings you to a blog with exactly the same layout. What are the odds? So after playing with different templates I decided to stay with the original. Therefore if you stumble across Esther, that is not me, she hasn't updated since '05, but just to minimize the confusion. I am not Esther.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
A History Rundown of This Single Twenty Something
I know that last night's blog I already made a reference to Sex and the City but I can't help but bring it up again. How is it that the writer's of that show never hesitated to talk about the things that they did? I mean I am sure that several situations too close to home never made it past the editor's floor, but they did talk about a lot. I was reading a book and it said that a lot, if not all, of the scenarios were written in relevance to some other woman's life and relationship. I know that I am self centered and even though there will be no name dropping I was even hesitant to write on here about some issues.
But the fact of the matter is no one reads this anyway so it is a good way to get out somethings and realize just how ridiculous I can be.
I have been in the 'dating world' for about 4 years now. I use quotations because I still have no idea what I am doing. I technically did not start dating (well let's say I had never manage to get a second date) until a little over a year ago. When I was in high school I managed to get two guys to ask me out and I went on two first dates, that was that. I was so wrapped up in my own head during the dates that I was of no good company. I spent the first hour deciding whether I could ever kiss this guy and I spent the last hour freaking out at the possibility that he may want to kiss me. So I spazzed and I thought 'If this is what dating is, there is no hope for me, this is torture.'
I did see my fair share of guys in college (basically 3 guys I kissed even without having to be drunk) but I do not classify it as dating because we did not date. There were dorm rooms and apartments and movies and cuddling. I did somehow have a relationship, which was good for awhile, but again I gained zero knowledge on how to date.
So when college came to a close and I was single yet again, I panicked. What now? Well I went on another two first dates with two guys that I was completely honest with from the start. One did not ask me out again and the other date was the worst experience I have ever had, yet he asked me out..continuously. I am til this day still not sure whether him and I were on the same date that night.
So fast forward about a year from the second first date. I have a PT job and I met a guy I was attracted to. He was younger than me, only a year, but younger was a first for me (not counting some of the college indiscretions). I thought this would be the perfect chance for me to try again. I wouldn't let the flood gates down but I wouldn't pretend to act the way I thought you were supposed to act. I was just myself, for the first time, ever. I got a second date, and a third.
This guy was nice, he liked the movies, although he didn't follow too much of the plot. He seemed to have one thing on his mind, my thigh. We were watching a devastating flick and right when the climax of who murdered the girl was about to be revealed he wanted to make out. I must be pretty good looking to have him not even be able to focus on the movie.
Turns out he was still hung up on his Ex and I think he was just trying to find a rebound girl. I should have guessed it when the second time I was at his house, he asked me to spend the night.
Eventually the calls stopped and apparently his guilt caught up to him. He told me about a month or two after we stopped dating, what his situation was. This would not be the last of guy1.
He would end up emailing me 3 months later asking to get together. We did and it was awkward, it turned out that it was only physical attraction, nothing more. I am still friends with him today and I hear he is dating an older woman, he seems happy.
Guy 2 came about two weeks after the last encounter with guy 1. This romance would be that of a fairy tale. Because none if it would be real, well at least nothing I have ever heard of. I was about to embark on a relationship with the man who will not commit to anything on the chance that he may miss out. AKA I will date you but when something better comes along I'm going to do her, but I will probably be back. He will use words like 'I could see us going through life together' after saying 'all we have is this moment, there is no guarantee on anything' I would be caught up in 2 to 3 months of questioning all of my previous beliefs to a happy relationship. Guy 2 pursued me, he showed up where he knew that I would be and we shared a lot of mutual friends. He asked me up to his room the first night I drove him home. Yet I was not as quick to see how he only wanted one thing. I was blinded by the concept that he was so intrigued with me. We had very much of a novel romance. He would look at me as if I was the only woman in the room (or subway station) and I ran with that to believe that he had fallen. In nearly one week he had fallen so much in love with me that he could not be a part from me. I could not have been more wrong. I would go days and even a week without hearing from him. I would text or call and there would be no response for days! With no explanation! When I finally had the nerve to ask him why, he said 'I saw you were calling, but I was eating and didn't want to answer' Oh well if you were eating! Sheesh. Well I dated him for two months and I wish that I could say I didn't fall for the BS but I did. I let down the wall to my feelings just enough to get a brush of disappointment when I had to end our little fling. After we stopped seeing each other he went away and slept with a girl he met. He was there for a week. He had a few past romances one in Paris, Love he called it. I have since learned that he has never allowed himself to love a woman, in fear that he will miss out on every other woman. He is completely head over heels in love, with himself, from head to toe. I still see Guy 2 from time to time and he swears it is not over. I tell him different though.
Which brings me to the point of my blog. Guy 3. The guy I actually have feelings for and it is scaring the poop out of me. I have become the girl that stares at my phone waiting for a text. I have been friends with guy 3 for a little bit now. I still remember when I first met him. I was attracted right off the bat. Anyway, I sort of initiated the idea that we hang out. We had gone to a mutual friends party a few months ago. There were a few guys there, all seemed to be looking to find a nice girl for the evening. These two guys, drunk and drunker seemed to grow a liking to me. It was entertaining for a bit but every time I saw Guy 3 I made a point to include him in the repetitive conversation that was happening in this three ring circus. He stayed near me for the remainder of the evening, I felt as though we exchanged a few sideways glances, but I knew that he had been into someone else there. Later that evening he asked me for advice on his current situation. I gave him the best advice I could have ( I swear I was not just being selfish, the best decision was for him to not get involved with Girl A). After that I shut down the possibility of him ever liking me more than a friend. I mean who asks for girl advice from a girl you are into?
A few weeks pass and we meet up at a happy hour. I ask him to walk me to the train and also muster up the courage to ask him for coffee so that I can do the asking of advice now. A situation had arose at that happy hour and I needed a guys opinion. Of course I could have asked any one of my guy friends, but I just wanted an excuse to talk to him.
He gave me the opposite advice and told me that I should go for the guy in question. Now I knew he would never think of me that way. We had a good time just talking and I did my best to hint that I enjoyed his company and would like it to happen more often. OK fast forward, we hung out a few more times in mixed company and then agreed to watch a movie alone.
This is hanging out, not a date. When I see Guy 3, I am completely myself. He knows some of the deal with me and so I do not have to track the little fibs. After we hang out a few times alone I begin to think about kissing him, and whether it will ever happen. Old me starts to emerge the last 15 minutes of our 'hangouts' and I begin to get nauseous at the thought of kissing him. Like in South Park, I get so nervous that I want to vomit. Thankfully I do not get sick. So after a few klutz filled encounters, we actually kiss. And it is really great.
We text daily and then he went 3 days with nothing. That is when my mind went bizerk. To the point that I just bought "he's just not that into you" And I read more than half since last night. I have been able to preserve, somewhat, my feelings in the past. I have this thing when I sense rejection coming I duck out first so that I do not have to feel it. Even though it is not my choice I still feel as though I had some say in the matter. So I spent the past day and a half convincing myself that I have just read way too much into this. He doesn't like me that way and I need to just deal and move on. Then he text me this morning and I got weird. I told him that I liked him and I wasn't sure that he liked me back, and it is OK if he doesn't but I don't want it to be weird. He wrote back and had no idea it was weird and said he just wants to take things slow.
Now I feel like a jerk. So I call my 'mentor' so to speak. And she tells me to just call him and let him know that you were just a little worried that you hadn't heard from him. But that actually talking on the phone instead of texting would be the better thing in this situation. So I call, and no answer.
God, I wish that I did not spend all day yesterday inside of my own head. I also wish that I did not read so much of the guy bashing book. I feel like one of the women who write a letter making excuses for the guy. So now I am pretty sure he is scared that I am attempting to corner into something he is not sure he is ready to get into. And me? I am trying to will my feelings into only liking him enough. I hate the fact that I might indeed like him more than he likes me. I know I can not control this, but I can attempt to.
So here is a glimpse at the nonsense that occurs within my ears. Sheesh. I used to thrive, in college, on the fact that I was just one of the guys. I was never the headcase girl. If I felt rejected by a guy I dropped it (And by drop it I mean I flirted with another guy in their presence attempting to rise jealousy from them) You see I had only thought I was this hard girl that had omitted all of her feelings that made her female pertaining to relationships. But everyone else had eyes and was able to see the truth. You know this blog thing really does make you feel better. I am sure that I will have some sort of love or lack there of update in the near future, we shall see.
But the fact of the matter is no one reads this anyway so it is a good way to get out somethings and realize just how ridiculous I can be.
I have been in the 'dating world' for about 4 years now. I use quotations because I still have no idea what I am doing. I technically did not start dating (well let's say I had never manage to get a second date) until a little over a year ago. When I was in high school I managed to get two guys to ask me out and I went on two first dates, that was that. I was so wrapped up in my own head during the dates that I was of no good company. I spent the first hour deciding whether I could ever kiss this guy and I spent the last hour freaking out at the possibility that he may want to kiss me. So I spazzed and I thought 'If this is what dating is, there is no hope for me, this is torture.'
I did see my fair share of guys in college (basically 3 guys I kissed even without having to be drunk) but I do not classify it as dating because we did not date. There were dorm rooms and apartments and movies and cuddling. I did somehow have a relationship, which was good for awhile, but again I gained zero knowledge on how to date.
So when college came to a close and I was single yet again, I panicked. What now? Well I went on another two first dates with two guys that I was completely honest with from the start. One did not ask me out again and the other date was the worst experience I have ever had, yet he asked me out..continuously. I am til this day still not sure whether him and I were on the same date that night.
So fast forward about a year from the second first date. I have a PT job and I met a guy I was attracted to. He was younger than me, only a year, but younger was a first for me (not counting some of the college indiscretions). I thought this would be the perfect chance for me to try again. I wouldn't let the flood gates down but I wouldn't pretend to act the way I thought you were supposed to act. I was just myself, for the first time, ever. I got a second date, and a third.
This guy was nice, he liked the movies, although he didn't follow too much of the plot. He seemed to have one thing on his mind, my thigh. We were watching a devastating flick and right when the climax of who murdered the girl was about to be revealed he wanted to make out. I must be pretty good looking to have him not even be able to focus on the movie.
Turns out he was still hung up on his Ex and I think he was just trying to find a rebound girl. I should have guessed it when the second time I was at his house, he asked me to spend the night.
Eventually the calls stopped and apparently his guilt caught up to him. He told me about a month or two after we stopped dating, what his situation was. This would not be the last of guy1.
He would end up emailing me 3 months later asking to get together. We did and it was awkward, it turned out that it was only physical attraction, nothing more. I am still friends with him today and I hear he is dating an older woman, he seems happy.
Guy 2 came about two weeks after the last encounter with guy 1. This romance would be that of a fairy tale. Because none if it would be real, well at least nothing I have ever heard of. I was about to embark on a relationship with the man who will not commit to anything on the chance that he may miss out. AKA I will date you but when something better comes along I'm going to do her, but I will probably be back. He will use words like 'I could see us going through life together' after saying 'all we have is this moment, there is no guarantee on anything' I would be caught up in 2 to 3 months of questioning all of my previous beliefs to a happy relationship. Guy 2 pursued me, he showed up where he knew that I would be and we shared a lot of mutual friends. He asked me up to his room the first night I drove him home. Yet I was not as quick to see how he only wanted one thing. I was blinded by the concept that he was so intrigued with me. We had very much of a novel romance. He would look at me as if I was the only woman in the room (or subway station) and I ran with that to believe that he had fallen. In nearly one week he had fallen so much in love with me that he could not be a part from me. I could not have been more wrong. I would go days and even a week without hearing from him. I would text or call and there would be no response for days! With no explanation! When I finally had the nerve to ask him why, he said 'I saw you were calling, but I was eating and didn't want to answer' Oh well if you were eating! Sheesh. Well I dated him for two months and I wish that I could say I didn't fall for the BS but I did. I let down the wall to my feelings just enough to get a brush of disappointment when I had to end our little fling. After we stopped seeing each other he went away and slept with a girl he met. He was there for a week. He had a few past romances one in Paris, Love he called it. I have since learned that he has never allowed himself to love a woman, in fear that he will miss out on every other woman. He is completely head over heels in love, with himself, from head to toe. I still see Guy 2 from time to time and he swears it is not over. I tell him different though.
Which brings me to the point of my blog. Guy 3. The guy I actually have feelings for and it is scaring the poop out of me. I have become the girl that stares at my phone waiting for a text. I have been friends with guy 3 for a little bit now. I still remember when I first met him. I was attracted right off the bat. Anyway, I sort of initiated the idea that we hang out. We had gone to a mutual friends party a few months ago. There were a few guys there, all seemed to be looking to find a nice girl for the evening. These two guys, drunk and drunker seemed to grow a liking to me. It was entertaining for a bit but every time I saw Guy 3 I made a point to include him in the repetitive conversation that was happening in this three ring circus. He stayed near me for the remainder of the evening, I felt as though we exchanged a few sideways glances, but I knew that he had been into someone else there. Later that evening he asked me for advice on his current situation. I gave him the best advice I could have ( I swear I was not just being selfish, the best decision was for him to not get involved with Girl A). After that I shut down the possibility of him ever liking me more than a friend. I mean who asks for girl advice from a girl you are into?
A few weeks pass and we meet up at a happy hour. I ask him to walk me to the train and also muster up the courage to ask him for coffee so that I can do the asking of advice now. A situation had arose at that happy hour and I needed a guys opinion. Of course I could have asked any one of my guy friends, but I just wanted an excuse to talk to him.
He gave me the opposite advice and told me that I should go for the guy in question. Now I knew he would never think of me that way. We had a good time just talking and I did my best to hint that I enjoyed his company and would like it to happen more often. OK fast forward, we hung out a few more times in mixed company and then agreed to watch a movie alone.
This is hanging out, not a date. When I see Guy 3, I am completely myself. He knows some of the deal with me and so I do not have to track the little fibs. After we hang out a few times alone I begin to think about kissing him, and whether it will ever happen. Old me starts to emerge the last 15 minutes of our 'hangouts' and I begin to get nauseous at the thought of kissing him. Like in South Park, I get so nervous that I want to vomit. Thankfully I do not get sick. So after a few klutz filled encounters, we actually kiss. And it is really great.
We text daily and then he went 3 days with nothing. That is when my mind went bizerk. To the point that I just bought "he's just not that into you" And I read more than half since last night. I have been able to preserve, somewhat, my feelings in the past. I have this thing when I sense rejection coming I duck out first so that I do not have to feel it. Even though it is not my choice I still feel as though I had some say in the matter. So I spent the past day and a half convincing myself that I have just read way too much into this. He doesn't like me that way and I need to just deal and move on. Then he text me this morning and I got weird. I told him that I liked him and I wasn't sure that he liked me back, and it is OK if he doesn't but I don't want it to be weird. He wrote back and had no idea it was weird and said he just wants to take things slow.
Now I feel like a jerk. So I call my 'mentor' so to speak. And she tells me to just call him and let him know that you were just a little worried that you hadn't heard from him. But that actually talking on the phone instead of texting would be the better thing in this situation. So I call, and no answer.
God, I wish that I did not spend all day yesterday inside of my own head. I also wish that I did not read so much of the guy bashing book. I feel like one of the women who write a letter making excuses for the guy. So now I am pretty sure he is scared that I am attempting to corner into something he is not sure he is ready to get into. And me? I am trying to will my feelings into only liking him enough. I hate the fact that I might indeed like him more than he likes me. I know I can not control this, but I can attempt to.
So here is a glimpse at the nonsense that occurs within my ears. Sheesh. I used to thrive, in college, on the fact that I was just one of the guys. I was never the headcase girl. If I felt rejected by a guy I dropped it (And by drop it I mean I flirted with another guy in their presence attempting to rise jealousy from them) You see I had only thought I was this hard girl that had omitted all of her feelings that made her female pertaining to relationships. But everyone else had eyes and was able to see the truth. You know this blog thing really does make you feel better. I am sure that I will have some sort of love or lack there of update in the near future, we shall see.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Self Pity=Bad place
It is crazy how in a blink of an eye everything can turn. I wish that something significant has happened, but it hasn't. Every 3 to 4 months I will have a day or two when every situation warps in my head to become the worst possible thing ever. And clearly it is not. I am trying to make a joke of it when I talk to some close friends because they know and I know that it will pass and it is meaningless. I even said today 'maybe it's just the holidays' which is not true at all. Immediately after I was like ' or I am completely using that as an excuse.' The holidays don't seem to get to me the way that they do with some. I don't slump into a bottomless pit of loneliness or despair. I kind of just go through the motions and wait for them to pass.
So anyway I have become an episode of Sex and the City today, clearly minus the Sex, but that is besides the point. I came home, very dreary day weather wise as well, with a pint of ice cream. I ate dinner had some ice cream and am about to cuddle up with a feminine book. Quick shower first because I didn't get that far yet today (I know eww gross) But I worked late last night and I slept in. Whatever I don't have to explain my self to you, computer.
So it just amazed me today that I was overwhelmed with negativity to the point that I feared to socialize with anyone. Mainly because I was plotting their murder in my head as they talked. (Obviously I am not a murderer, but apparently I only wanted to hear myself speak...in my own head today) Bad place to be. Tomorrow I plan on starting it off right. But I know enough to know that whatever I plan may not happen. If it doesn't that is when I need to control the ego a bit.
Today's lesson would be that I am not the center of the universe. And also, even when you know how ridiculously negative you are being, it doesn't stop until you through the positive in. Cause I know that neutral=stagnant and that also is a bad place to be, that's for damn sure. Thanks for listening computer.
So anyway I have become an episode of Sex and the City today, clearly minus the Sex, but that is besides the point. I came home, very dreary day weather wise as well, with a pint of ice cream. I ate dinner had some ice cream and am about to cuddle up with a feminine book. Quick shower first because I didn't get that far yet today (I know eww gross) But I worked late last night and I slept in. Whatever I don't have to explain my self to you, computer.
So it just amazed me today that I was overwhelmed with negativity to the point that I feared to socialize with anyone. Mainly because I was plotting their murder in my head as they talked. (Obviously I am not a murderer, but apparently I only wanted to hear myself speak...in my own head today) Bad place to be. Tomorrow I plan on starting it off right. But I know enough to know that whatever I plan may not happen. If it doesn't that is when I need to control the ego a bit.
Today's lesson would be that I am not the center of the universe. And also, even when you know how ridiculously negative you are being, it doesn't stop until you through the positive in. Cause I know that neutral=stagnant and that also is a bad place to be, that's for damn sure. Thanks for listening computer.
Sunday, December 7, 2008
Starting Over
It is a weird feeling to know that everything will work out and yet have no idea how or when. Sometimes we think that we know what is supposed to happen and when it doesn't go as we plan, we get upset or depressed. I had a bit of a roller coaster ride today.
I remember when I was younger and was told that I could be anything I wanted to be when I grew up. I am pretty sure any one of us has heard that at some point in their childhoods. Well now, 24 years later, I still believe that. But here is the dilemma. I don't know what that is. I enjoy writing, obviously as many people do. But I enjoy a lot. It's weird because I know that I was not sent here on this earth to have a 'desk job.' Does that mean that I should get a blue collar job and be outside? Not necessarily.
I have faith in God and so I know that I am at this point for a reason. But I don't know where it is leading. I think that it may involve some more schooling, which is totally okay. Actually I would like to take another crack at school, because I really did not try to hard before.
If I could do anything or be anyone, I would be Tina Fey in the 30 Rock. I enjoy writing and I literally always think in television or movie comedic scenes. So I do not think that it would be too difficult to write comedy. But I am also intrigued by the idea of making your own schedule. The fact that you might have to pull all nighters every once in a while, but also could roll in around 10 or 11 am. But again this is TV.
I chose to major in theatre in college, because I knew that it was not a 'desk' career. I liked that fact that most of the hours would be in the evening and that it most likely would include traveling even if it was as little as errands during the day around the city. Some where along the way I forgot that. I think it was about 6 months after graduation and my college loams went into repayment. Now I also have several other bills on top of that and suddenly I am afraid to take a risk.
Jobs such as the ones that I have dreamed of, are not a sure thing. Usually no benefits(which would not be a changed from my existing job) but also that there is no guarantee of a steady work flow. Especially with toady's economy that is a humongous risk for someone to take.
But really, if I do not do something soon, I might never. I just don't want to look back in five years and think, what if. I mean yes I have an apartment and bills now, but at least I do not have a family to support and thankfully no drug habit, thank God.
So I guess I should conclude the rambling, not that anyone is reading. I like having this blog because I can write about things like this and when I am typing it makes me see clearer. Like today the lesson would be that if I am not willing to take the risk, why am I expecting the change? Now is the time.
I remember when I was younger and was told that I could be anything I wanted to be when I grew up. I am pretty sure any one of us has heard that at some point in their childhoods. Well now, 24 years later, I still believe that. But here is the dilemma. I don't know what that is. I enjoy writing, obviously as many people do. But I enjoy a lot. It's weird because I know that I was not sent here on this earth to have a 'desk job.' Does that mean that I should get a blue collar job and be outside? Not necessarily.
I have faith in God and so I know that I am at this point for a reason. But I don't know where it is leading. I think that it may involve some more schooling, which is totally okay. Actually I would like to take another crack at school, because I really did not try to hard before.
If I could do anything or be anyone, I would be Tina Fey in the 30 Rock. I enjoy writing and I literally always think in television or movie comedic scenes. So I do not think that it would be too difficult to write comedy. But I am also intrigued by the idea of making your own schedule. The fact that you might have to pull all nighters every once in a while, but also could roll in around 10 or 11 am. But again this is TV.
I chose to major in theatre in college, because I knew that it was not a 'desk' career. I liked that fact that most of the hours would be in the evening and that it most likely would include traveling even if it was as little as errands during the day around the city. Some where along the way I forgot that. I think it was about 6 months after graduation and my college loams went into repayment. Now I also have several other bills on top of that and suddenly I am afraid to take a risk.
Jobs such as the ones that I have dreamed of, are not a sure thing. Usually no benefits(which would not be a changed from my existing job) but also that there is no guarantee of a steady work flow. Especially with toady's economy that is a humongous risk for someone to take.
But really, if I do not do something soon, I might never. I just don't want to look back in five years and think, what if. I mean yes I have an apartment and bills now, but at least I do not have a family to support and thankfully no drug habit, thank God.
So I guess I should conclude the rambling, not that anyone is reading. I like having this blog because I can write about things like this and when I am typing it makes me see clearer. Like today the lesson would be that if I am not willing to take the risk, why am I expecting the change? Now is the time.
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