6:15am Tuesday I hit snooze again on my cell and rolled over. Then a truck that parked out front to unload and bring stuff to Rite Aid showed up. The sliding shut of each side metal door made me grumble. Then I had to pee so I rolled onto the floor to pray and said ‘Arg your Will not mine be done, I’m tired..”I got up and before I opened the bathroom door the truck pulled away. I couldn’t help but laugh.
My battle with my bed is never over once I get up. I sometimes use the bathroom and convince myself I can sleep another 10-15 mins and go right back to bed. Yesterday I got changed into my running stuff and hoped by the time I grabbed my sneakers I would actually want to go for a run. It wasn’t until I hit the fresh air that I was glad I chose to get up.If I didn’t I would have missed this:
This is the unaltered pic from my morning run. Look at that sky! As I was coming back up from the river I ran into my friend, Caroline, and it was just a really great way to start the day! My mind will convince me that my bed is the best place for me to be, but sometimes God wants me to see other things.
Last Night I went with my mom to my cousin's house to get my hair cut. while I was waiting for the dye to sink in, my mom, aunt, and I somehow got to talking about saying the words 'I Love you' to our family members. Love is more of an action word for me, I love my family, pretty much all of my friends, (when I think of Love I think 'would I take a bullet for this person?'), but I do not say it out loud. My mom is the only person I say it to regularly and we talked about why do we make it weird?
A friend of mine says I love you on the phone to me whenever we talk, and I cringe a little and forcefully say it back but it just feels weird. Do I love her? Of course I do, but saying those words is like painful on some level. As we continued talking my mom and I were able to pin point when we started to say it. It was when she got cancer.. 9 years ago. It was then that I wanted to make sure I said it everytime, in case for some reason that was the last time we spoke.
Thankfully it is 9 years later, and it is no longer weird or painful to say it to her. And I am also not fearful it will be the last time I say it, but I like it being routine. I am reading
"Based on A Course in Miracles, this self-study program teaches the practice of love as an answer to life's daily problems and fears." So I am trying to stay open minded to the fact that it is okay to express AND vocalize it. It isn't that I came from a rough up bringing, that I am fearful to say it. Love has always been shown to me through actions from my parents, brothers, and friends. My parents were raised with the same mentality: love does not have to be stated, it is understood. Or something along those lines.
I can't even get into the romantic type of love because I really do not know much about it. I know that I have felt real love in that way once in my life; over 7 years ago but I can't explain it. Def would have taken a bullet to say the least. I know that every person is capable of the kind of love God wants for us, the kind of Love that he has for all of us. We are capable of giving AND recieving it. Some of us have to learn how, but there is hope. I do want to experience the type of love that I would want to share my life with someone, but I can not predict who or when that will be. Until I learn to practice showing that love with my friends and family I may not be able to recieve it once it does come.
In the Mitch Albom book, "Tuesdays with Morrie" the underlying lesson to be learned is that Love really is the purpose of this life. If we do not have someone to share this life with (friend, family, or partner) then none of it really matters anyway.
My friend Ellen, taught me that Love truly is all that matters. When I visited her in Hospice last March she smiled and told me how grateful she was for her husband and family. She said that I should never compromise because real Love is out there and life is too short to sit hoping that the person you can't let go of could some day possibly give you what you want. When she passed away, my heart ached but knowing that she knew what life was about eased the pain.
I don't want go through this life with walls blocking me from others because I am afraid of getting hurt. My automatic response to pain is to recoil and fight back, but that is not what Love and God are about. I have a long way to go but I want to take that journey. Today is just one day that I can practice trying to be open, for God to work through me, regardless of my fears and pain.. And maybe a few days in a row like that, and I will break down one of those walls to the outside. The tricky thing is, I don't know how many walls there are to break, but I am willing to start that destruction of self preservation.
I think this entry turned into a self help journal entry but it helps to get it out there :)
"A very small degree of hope is sufficient to cause the birth of love."~ Stenhal
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