Everyone dances and sings into their bathroom mirror right? It's like an automatic roll back to pre teens, jumping on my bed with my purple karaoke machine in my hand, yelling into the microphone. I recently decided to treat myself to a couple songs that brought me back to the high school, one day I will be on stage singing these songs, days. And this afternoon I put on my headphones and gave one helluva show to my bathroom mirror. I have a hard time believing that every one hasn't at one point or another done the same thing. So now I am listening to my fav songs on Itunes and writing about how I think this ritual is important. It makes my soul smile. I still like to pretend what it would be like singing on stage in front of thousands of people. I haven't gotten past my mirror but I'm my biggest fan anyway ;)
I spend a lot of time walking around the city. During this time, I always think about different ways to recreate what is happening. Either by writing or a movie or something to capture the moments of my life. I think a lot about my past and how I want to make it neat and organized and in one place; again paper or film. I know it sounds very self-centered to spend that much time thinking about my biography and the different ways to force on other people, but I think about different stories too. I blogged last night and am again today because I have to get back to the rhythm of allowing my fingers to do the talking. Putting all of the images and movements in my mind, into words..I am hoping this will force me to type more than one paragraph when I reopen the word document that I started over a year ago and was convinced that I would have finished it by last summer. My walk today I thought about finishing this project and the fear that it may take several more years. In actuality it should only take a few months to get it all out and possibly another two or three to edit. But with extreme ability to procrastinate I could easily turn that into 5 years.
My therapist asked me to come up with two goals, right after the New Year. I told her I wanted to finish, or at least spend a significant amount of time, more, on writing and I also want to go back to school. After that statement I said, well I am going to back to school...after the marathon. It is true that I have very little time to myself with training but I once again have found another reason to procrastinate. I have to make my dreams into reality and that means action not thoughts. You, my blog friend, are helping me get to that. I WILL open that document today. (In the back of my mind I am already thinking, well right after you run 5 miles, and do your laundry and dishes) There will always be something else, but I NEED to do it! I WILL do it! Ahaha!!! Ok thanks BFF... Life is good today, the fact that my big decision is when to run and when to write and not where is dinner coming from and where will I be sleeping tonight is a gift that words will never be able to express fully. Privileged problems, privileged Situations :)
Friday, February 5, 2010
Another day another dollar, another night another dream
I was just watching Ugly Betty and the episode was about her blog. About how the majority of people use their blogs to vent/bash other people. I def has one of those mornings at work...And I could fit this mold, but I don't want to. I remember the blog (dead journal) I kept in High school and years later I went back and was mortified at what I had written. I'm not going to lie I do keep hand written journals and I do have a completely private blog as well. The private blog is directed strictly to my love life, or lack there of. So I am sure it isn't hard to see where that one goes, hence the privacy.
I wish that I could say I was completely above all of that, talking about people and getting so angry the only release I find suitable is to pound away the hate on my keyboard. But I am not. Today I catch myself before it gets to that point. I do email a few good friends and give them the updates (complain) but they are my friends I know who will tell me how to live in the solution, IE pray on it, let it go, accept this the way it is, and so on.
I just wanted to write, simply because I love writing. I LOVE writing! I LOVE WRITING!!!
I was thinking about the future this week, weird ping pong style thinking. What if I had to change my lifestyle, move, or something. What would be the ideal situation? I want to Write. I Ideally I would be a writer and work on my own schedule,but work nonetheless.
I know that the movies, Never Been Kissed and Somethings Gotta Give, are two of my favorite movies, because the woman are writers in it. Also, it's the reason I started watching Sex and the City. I love quotes and themes and how life can be summed up in a few sentences. I love words and when I am in the zone, I think about words nonstop. Words, like twirling through my day and landing on a blank piece of paper, waiting to be surrounded by other words, so they can feel at home. Not that the first word is any less important once the rest are added, because it knows it serves it's purpose. This all sounds weird, I'm sure but I love it!
I have had a thing for brand spanking new notebooks, since I was a little girl. The crisp blank page with the barely there baby blue lines, waiting for the pen. I think there are less than 5 notebooks I have ever actually filled all the pages. I get to excited and buy another new one. And like a child, the new one becomes my favorite as the old gets pushed aside; vintage.
Every night I walk home from work and walk over the river. And every night I look to see what kind of a rowing day it is. If the water's calm, it's perfect. You can see the reflection, beautifully and I visualize the perfect stroke. When your oar hits the water at exactly the right moment, and you pull it through the water almost effortlessly. No words can explain the ease and perfection in the perfect stroke and ride of a shell. When the water is choppy, I think of the freezing morning practices in college and how we all got through it. We all made it through, no matter how cold or tired you were. The river is a beautiful asset to my night commute (a piedi) to la casa. Breathtaking..
Another week has come and gone, and February is among us. My life is happening, absolutely happening as we speak and fear gets kicked up at times. Why is life so fast? When will I settle? Will I settle? Have I started to? Where can I go next? Please don't get trapped...Just some thoughts and visions of my day.
I wish that I could say I was completely above all of that, talking about people and getting so angry the only release I find suitable is to pound away the hate on my keyboard. But I am not. Today I catch myself before it gets to that point. I do email a few good friends and give them the updates (complain) but they are my friends I know who will tell me how to live in the solution, IE pray on it, let it go, accept this the way it is, and so on.
I just wanted to write, simply because I love writing. I LOVE writing! I LOVE WRITING!!!
I was thinking about the future this week, weird ping pong style thinking. What if I had to change my lifestyle, move, or something. What would be the ideal situation? I want to Write. I Ideally I would be a writer and work on my own schedule,but work nonetheless.
I know that the movies, Never Been Kissed and Somethings Gotta Give, are two of my favorite movies, because the woman are writers in it. Also, it's the reason I started watching Sex and the City. I love quotes and themes and how life can be summed up in a few sentences. I love words and when I am in the zone, I think about words nonstop. Words, like twirling through my day and landing on a blank piece of paper, waiting to be surrounded by other words, so they can feel at home. Not that the first word is any less important once the rest are added, because it knows it serves it's purpose. This all sounds weird, I'm sure but I love it!
I have had a thing for brand spanking new notebooks, since I was a little girl. The crisp blank page with the barely there baby blue lines, waiting for the pen. I think there are less than 5 notebooks I have ever actually filled all the pages. I get to excited and buy another new one. And like a child, the new one becomes my favorite as the old gets pushed aside; vintage.
Every night I walk home from work and walk over the river. And every night I look to see what kind of a rowing day it is. If the water's calm, it's perfect. You can see the reflection, beautifully and I visualize the perfect stroke. When your oar hits the water at exactly the right moment, and you pull it through the water almost effortlessly. No words can explain the ease and perfection in the perfect stroke and ride of a shell. When the water is choppy, I think of the freezing morning practices in college and how we all got through it. We all made it through, no matter how cold or tired you were. The river is a beautiful asset to my night commute (a piedi) to la casa. Breathtaking..
Another week has come and gone, and February is among us. My life is happening, absolutely happening as we speak and fear gets kicked up at times. Why is life so fast? When will I settle? Will I settle? Have I started to? Where can I go next? Please don't get trapped...Just some thoughts and visions of my day.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Happy Groundhog's Day!!!
Does anyone else kinda wish Phil would take a chunk out of the Mayor's Hand? Look at how he's holding him? Phil's thoughts right at this moment are "I hate you. Why am I here? Why are all these people here again? Seriously another year already? I just want to go back to sleep...for 6 weeks or so..Do you actually think that Top Hat is working for ya? The handlebar mustache, really dude? Put me back in my cage, butthead!" I am sure the 'animal is not in pain' just like when people grab cats from the back of their necks. But it just looks painful. You could very well cuddle with him instead of flaunting him like some trophy.. Alas, we live to see another 6 weeks of winter...I'm on to you though Phil, I know you are a sleeper and technically Spring starts on March 22 anyway..Or March 20th this year I think, not sure..Conveniently though I believe that is in...anyone? 6 weeks? Come on Phil!!! I coulda predicted that...Now go back to sleep, we'll see you next year.
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