Good with where I'm at

I had one of my favorite lunches today; Egg salad w/ cheese and chips... SO good.. And then I read a little from my mystery novel. I have had the overwhelming need to go back to the meditation room that I stumbled upon last week. So I went and sat w my eyes closed for about 6 minutes. It is so weird that I don't realized how Off I am until I am on again.


>This was started yesterday, I had fruit for lunch today and I know that you all are dying of curiosity to how it was...Delicious<

So today has been strange but good. I have been kind of floating on through, which is wonderful.
It is amazing how when you no longer are searching for something it comes. I am at a point in my life where I am ABSOLUTELY sure that everything will work out. At times people ask me about where I see myself in a year or two years and I have no idea. The difference is that today I don't have anxiety because I have no idea where I will be, I have faith because I know it will be where ever I need to be. So I have been single for over 4 years now, which is a freaking long time. And the first year I spent, miserably making out with everything that would make a move. Obviously when I was not in a good state of mind. I am not too sure on how to feel about it, but it's the past and it is what it is. That year I was wanting so bad to have back what I had lost. The following year was well interesting to say the least. There were little to no men at all. During that period I spent alot of time insulting myself and trying to figure out what the hell was wrong with me. I compared myself to every other woman in my vicinity and thought that I had nothing to offer myself or anyone else. And then I turned to God. I still had all of these negative feelings but some of my women friends suggested that I take advantage of the time I had alone to build a relationship with my Higher Power. So I prayed, ALOT. I walked and prayed, I shopped and prayed, and I worked and prayed.
I was put in the path of so many wonderful people and slowly I stopped comparing every little detail of my life to every person around me. I was able to see the beauty of the people right in front of me and they saw the beauty in me that I didn't even know existed.
Although I was praying and hanging with these wonderful people, it took alot of time and work to be able to love myself for who I am. Truly love myself, meaning not seeking anything outside of what I was given.
I am not here to say that I never seek comfort in outside things, because I am human. But I have changed my views on today and the future. I am ok with the fact that I live alone and I could for a very long time. I am grateful that I am not getting married right now, or did not right out of college like I dreamed of. Although I absolutely love that some of my friends have found their soul mates, it just was not my path and that is okay.
I used to think that I HAD to have kids. That is why I am here, that is what I thought. Get married, have kids, be the soccer mom..Today this is not the case. Although again I think all of those things would be great at some point, it may not happen. And that is okay. I am OK being alone and I am HAPPY.
I am convinced that this is transparent or that I am giving off the vibes that I am comfortable and happy with life today. And I was actually asked out this week. I have been dating people for the past year or two now, so it is not too new to me. But I think that I am actually attracting nicer men.. Now I know just by writing that I could be jinxing myself, but I am just a little surprised. I am not saying the men I have dated haven't been nice, because they have. They are great. But I have yet to find someone that I am physically and emotionally compatible with and I think that by no longer searching, it will eventually come. In God's time.
I just remembered last night I was walking home and I thought, I am going to be 25 soon, which means I have like 10 years to pop a baby out if I want one. Ten years is soon!!! So as much as I say I am not wanting or longing I still have reality check thoughts..
So to bring it back...I am perfect today with who I am and where I am. As perfect as one can be, in this minute..I just ate a bunch of candy so I will prob be a little uncomfortable in a minute, but spiritually I'm straight :)

Tated up

SO I got a tattoo yesterday. And it is kinda stinging today, go fig. I decided on the peace dove with the olive branch. I know birds,flowers, so cliche, but whatever I like it. Anyway I wanted a topic to write about because it is 9 in the morning on a Sunday and I am wide awake!!! I woke up around 8 and laid in bed for a god 40 minutes trying to fall back asleep, but it is too hot. So in an effort to feel connected with the rest of the world at this wee hour of the morning I'm writing this blog. I'm listening to "Easy like Sunday Morning" and bobbing my head, picturing the beach. It's weird because I associate this time of year, summer with specific memories of sense. Like when I think of the shore, I like to think of the early morning. Before most people are awake, the sun is up but not scorching hot yet. The wind is blowing, but not so much that you're eating your hair or there's sand in your eyes. The boardwalk is joggers,walkers, and bikers. And in my visualization there are dogs allowed too. It's strange to me that when I think of summer that is the memory I feel. It's like when I was in high school and was getting ready to go back to school. I would get butterflies in my stomach, because I was so excited to go back and see everyone again. I would wake up super early and everything that day would fascinate me. There is a specific joy I feel when I think of the 'back to school' feeling. The weather is similar, the morning with the sun and the cool wind. Sometimes I feel the back to school happiness, out of nowhere.
I used to wonder if teacher's experienced that. I should ask.
Anyway, I am going to venture out of my apartment for a little while and head down South Street. Hopefully there are not too many people yet, and the wind is slightly blowing..

Emotional baggage

Happy Memorial Day Weekend to All!!! I am struggling this morning because I am old. I went to see some music last night, St. Vincent, which was good. Well at least the first two songs were and then I had to leave because I couldn't even keep my eyes open. I was running on a little more than 4 hours sleep and my body was like 'bed now.' So I listened. And then this morning I waited until the absolute last minute to come in. While I was waiting for the train I remembered that I was going to come in early today so that I could get another half hour of pay, because I had off yesterday. But I was already late :/ Owell, I am not going to freak out or anything. Yesterday I literally went on a roller coaster ride of emotions. From 8 in the morning until I went to bed I was up,down,up, down, UP Up Up and exhausted. I was carrying around so much emotional baggage and when I was walking home I knew that this morning would be an emotional hangover. The good news is that when I went to bed I was relatively happy.
This morning, the sun is out, I made it to work on regular time, and we have a 3 day weekend coming up. This will be my first ever paid holiday!!! This is huge!!! I am looking forward to sleeping in as late as the sun will let me, which will be like 8 a the latest. I am still working on getting curtains and so now the sun just shines right on my eyes in the morning.
I just cleaned my apartment so I am even more excited to go sit there. Isn't it funny how once you tidy up your place you begin to appreciate it again. Like it's brand new or something.
I rarely clean, but when I start to I need for everything to be spotless. What is that about? I really don't understand it. I remember when I got my vacuum in my old apartment. The first time I used it, I was going along the baseboards, sucking up the cobwebs and it was so sucky. I was so excited because I could see how good it was doing. Yet I let it sit in my closet for, well let's just say, I had to use it again. Which was when I was moving out. And then I made the place all nice and I was a little sad to be leaving it. I suppose that is the part of me that wants my cake and the chef who made it to work in my kitchen so I can eat that cake everyday for the rest of my life.

Today in the Life.. Get it (to) insteadda (A), clever

This week I was struck with some crazy forceful ambition that I am stoked about. It is so weird that I will have moments like, "Why haven't I thought of this before?" For the first time in my life I am actually excited to research something. I remember throughout college and high school dreading research papers. My first thoughts were, 'Now I have to cite things?' Ugghhh I hate this!! But then on Monday I found my self Copying and Pasting away, and get this I wanted to know what sites I was looking on. Like what is that?! Then last night I of course resorted back to my laziness and caught up with some TV shows on my computer instead of writing. I think it would be awesome to write for a show. I mean my mind is a mile a minute and probably about 45 times a day I am picturing humorous, graphic, extremely inappropriate situations to give myself a little laughter. You would think that one day someone would run out of material. Like how many 'drug' episodes can be done by teen shows, but it never gets old to me!! It would def be the life to roll into work at like 10:30 or so and chill, brainstorming with other hilariously offensive people to find the funniest plot. LOL. But anyway my new ambition for writing is in no way anything along those lines, which is why it was even more shocking for me to have this 'revelation' if you will.
Comedy is the best part of my life, well being able to see the humor in things. But at the same time as much as I talk about comedies and such, I love me some drama and action as well. Like the fact that I spent last night watching the finale to Grey's Anatomy, OMG by the way,.. And then I had no one to call to talk about it to. But this morning when I came in I got to talk with two of my coworkers about it. Then I watched Degrassi, which I am obsessed about. It is like Saved by the Bell in rehab and I love it!!!
But it is nice to come back to my reality which at the moment is an ease and calm, steady flow.
Life seems to be going by quickly today, probably because of the job switch. I have a job where I work 8 and a half hours a day, and it is by far the most I've ever worked. The previous job was 8 hrs a day when I started but that was short lived and I only had to stay as long as there way work. So I am a little more tired, but not over worked, it's just right. I do wish that I could devote one to two full days just to drinking coffee and writing, but I guess that's what the weekends are for. Hmmm.
So Next week I am going to meet up with a friend who happens to be a psychologist to start with my research. Reading that sentence you would think that my project would to find out what the heck is wrong with me, but if you know me at all you know that I gave up on trying to figure that out a LONG LONG time ago :) Welcome, Julie and Amanda to the blogger world and I will try to write more frequently. It's like my friend put it, if I can be on Twitter ever 3 minutes throughout the day, I can update my blog.. What a funny word, 'blog' it's almost blob, but not...hmmm interesting