I did a little experiment over the past month and I am right back where I started. I thought that I could just put my game plan, as far as the eventual relationship I am seeking, on hold. I did, that part was successful, but I still want to find love one day. I am grateful that I was blessed with love before, because I know that it does exist. I understand that it has been years since that, but I won't allow myself to settle for anything less. I know that when I find love again, it will not be the same, because no love is the same. I tried to trick my heart recently into thinking that I want this bare minimum relationship. After watching 'Never Been Kissed," "Fever Pitch," and several other girly love films, I had some clarity. I want to be with a man who calls me because he saw something funny and it reminded him of me. I want him to want to bring me soup when I am sick, or to go get ice cream with me when I am happy. Eventually I would like to have a guy who would just pop up on my doorstep,because he had to see me. Someone who opens the door for me and the person behind me. I want a guy to call me because he wants to hear my voice, not because he thinks I will get mad at him. I want a guy who will easily get along with my friends and family without being fake. I want someone who is good hearted and capable of monogamy. I want all of this and more and I know that it will happen. I don't know what the man will look like or the hobbies he will have, but we will find common ground if it is meant to be. I want to be able to say 'I Love You,' without the need to hear it back, because it will be understood.
The love that I had before was everything that I listed but one major thing was missing. I didn't love myself. I believe that is why it has been such a long time, because when it happens again, it is going to be amazing. I depended so much on my previous Love's feelings for me, that I let them be my feelings for me. When it was gone, I didn't know what to do. I was no longer being told I was beautiful every day and so I felt horrible. Today I love myself and accept who I am. As well as what I would like to have one day. I tell myself that I am pretty and good everyday and I mean it.
So this time when I find love I am seeking someone who loves themselves and accepts themselves for who they are. They will not need me to say that I love them to love themselves. But not some obssessed with how they appear physically, not someone stuck on themselves. It took me awhile to realize that confidence is not the same as being conceded. It sounds like I am saying I want to be in a relationship with someone exactly like me, but I am not. I am just glad that I can not trick my heart into a quick fix. I sometimes fear being a thirty something single lady, but then I think of the wonderful places I will get to see and go without having to consult with a family first. Not that I view a relationship as a ball and chain, but as a single woman who can come and go anywhere as I please, which is wonderful.
I was sad when I woke up the other morning and realized that this minuscule relationship has run its course, but the sadness was overpowered by the gratitude for the realization that I still want what I want. The good news is I am not hating every couple that I see on the street, because I was that couple a few days ago, but only to the onlooker. Instead I am renewed with the faith that it can happen again.
